


I never asked for a soulmate.

by ks0499



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alpha Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Angst, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Omega Lee Taeyong, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-07-10 09:52:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15946907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ks0499/pseuds/ks0499
Summary: angsty omega lee taeyong, born to an alpha dominated bloodline, grew to hate them. when he finds his soulmate, alpha jaehyun, he hates him. (summaries arent my thing)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I WRITE THIS LATE AT NIGHT WHEN IM HALF ASLEEP AND IM DYSLEXIC SO DONT HATE ME FOR SPELLING OR SOME SHIT CHAPTERS THXTHX

"mom..." im scared. in the backseat of the big car im holding onto the seatbelt with both hands. tight. "mom" i say a little louder. she doesnt hear me? "mom"

"what" she says harshly. did i make her mad? 

i dont know what to say now. i dont really know what to say ever. but im scared and maybe mom could help? even though.... i dont think mom could help after all. she doesnt ask me what again, she takes my quietness and continues talking with the driver... or her phone or something. she never asks me what again. 

im staring out the window watching the trees fly by. its sorta raining out i think. the little raindrops on the window glass catch my eye, specifically two that are sliding down almost next to eachother. perpendicular! thats the word! perpendicular to eachother until a bump makes the right one, which was winning the race, slide over in the left ones lane. so when the left one slides down enough they end up being one mega rain drop.

"taeyong!" my moms voice snaps me out of my daze. my eyes focus out the window at the school with all the kids talking and playing.

"do i have to go?" i ask her once she turns back to see why i havent began exiting the car. she sighs heavy.

"yes taeyong we've been through this, you have to go to school." i take a deep breath 

"but i liked my other school" muttering to myself, sort of whining. i know she doesnt like this but what else do i do?

"taeyong" her voice was angry. i decide that shouldnt have said anything after all. another second she sighs, being nicer "i know, honey. but your old school..... its not for you. this schools better" she nods her head assuringly. i nod 

she told me a few weeks ago that i had to move schools after break. telling me that my other school wasnt for me- even though i went there and liked it there. i dont know why its not for me. everytime id ask about it shed sigh- since finding out i have to switch schools mommy and daddy have been a little meaner to me. i dont know what i did wrong but ive been trying to fix it. i dont know how.

it sort of started after we got my tests back. they took some blood from me and did xrays and stuff... when they opened the envelope mommy looked upset and daddy got mad. getting in mommys face and saying "i told you so". i asked if im sick and mommy said "i wish". so... i dont know whats wrong with me... they said im an omega- which we learnt are the lesser people. that sort of scares me. thinking im like an animal being hunted but... its gonna be okay. 

thats why i have to move schools though.. i think.. daddy getting angry at me. he went to that school and so did my sister- im the first one in my family to have to move schools because im not alpha. and that sucks i guess. 

she drove off as soon as my feet touched the wet ground. new shoes squeaking against the pavement.


	2. 6

my new school isnt too bad, atleast at the beginning. i made friends faster than i thought, one boy named taeil decided to stick to me since the teacher sat us beside eachother.

"hey!" he greets me every morning like hes excited to see me, then he goes on about episodes of a show ive never heard or. he shows me his comic books and just talks to me. or more at me at first, my anxiety holding me back for a little while.

every recess we hang out and play games with another boy named ten, or well thats not his name but he told us to call him that. he thinks its cool. hes in class b but hes fun, he runs really fast and he can touch his toes.

when i woke up today i ha a weird feeling in my chest. like sick. am i getting sick? i brush it off anyways and dont tell mom because mom is busy with work today and cant have any distractions. so i dont tell mom that my chest hurts or that my stomach feels weird.

when i get to school i think everythings fine, the feeling is still there but i forget about it for a while. its sort of in the back of my mind now- im just getting the flu- so i wash my hands more than i usually do. and i drink more water. at recess im playing tag with taeil. i like taeil, hes nice and likes to joke around with me. he also shares his fruit roll ups at lunch.

somehow i look at this boy, hes short and wide eyed, messy hair with a dirty uniform, broken shoes.

when i look at him my stomach hurts more and i fall to the ground on my knees. i cant look away from him but it hurts alot. i grab my stomach and make myself look down. it was hard to look down because my body kept wanting to look up.. why does my body wanna look at him? why does looking at the boy hurt so bad. is he a witch? is he cursing me? why would he do that? maybe im dying. am i dying?

oh

wait

thats why i felt weird today.

a circle of kids form around me and i can see the boys shoes from the corner of my eye. taeil is shaking my arm asking if im okay but i cant talk. my words wont make sense.

im an omega... he must be.... it cant.. he cant.. i... now?

a teacher comes by and lifts me to my feet by my underarms and makes me go to the office. when im sitting in the waiting area i can feel my heart beating fast in my chest. its never beat this fast. it hurts my ribs... maybe itll burst out if it gets too fast. i hope tha-

"hello" the boy says when he gets near me, he smiles and i can see his teeth are crooked and his front tooth is chipped. i get nervous around him.. hes.. my.. i look away from him. i dont want one. i dont want him. "hellooooo" he leans down to try and make me look at him, like maybe i didnt see him or something.. "hellooooo" he shakes my shoulder and i feel my heart skip.. wow its like the movies..

i push him as hard as i can away and he falls on his butt.

"dont touch me" i sound mean. i dont want him to touch me. i dont want him near me. go away. maybe if you go away this will go away.

i feel sadness in my stomach and its not me.. is it me.. it feels weird.. gross.. his eyes are wet and tears roll down his cheeks.

"what an exciting day huh boys?" the principal asks. she looks too happy. im getting mad. were sitting beside eachother in her office. swinging my feet as i sit uncomfortably against the hard plastic of the chair. hes sitting similarly but different, he looks comfortable. maybe a little confused. and dumb- he looks dumb. "you found your soulmate!" shes too happy. "not many people find theirs! so its amazing you guys found eachother so early!"

"soulmate?" he asks. the word feeling special in his mouth.

"yes! taeyong is your soulmate!" i feel my stomach turn at the words 'taeyong is your soulmate'. clenching my jaw. he looks over to me and i look down.

"hes my soulmate?" he asks. the word feeling weird leaving his lips. did he not feel anything? maybe it wasnt him afterall. maybe it was someone else?

"yes he is! and your his soulmate" shes smiling too much. "did noone explain this to you honey?" he must shake his head because she goes on explaining what a soulmate is and how were connected blah blah.... connected forever to this... i look over at him briefly and his eyes are shining. my heart beats faster.

i dont want my heart to beat faster i wanna go play tag with taeil. he glances over when i feel my heart skip and i feel something else, something new inside my ribs. it feels like my heart but... he smiles at me and i realize i can feel him. inside my chest or.. lower.. i can feel his heartbeat. i start feeling sick- oh no. i dont... i dont want.. i..

  
hes sitting beside me in the waiting area again.

"so youre my omega?" he asked me after a little while. staring at the ground

"im not" i say quietly and he leans in to hear me.

"but the principal said-"

"im not yours" i say a little louder, digging my nails into the chair. looking over to him and his eyes widen a little. innocent.. hes so innocent. why doesnt he know about alpha ownership yet? why doesnt he fight back? why is he just looking at me like that?

"i didnt mea-"his eyes look past me for a second and i can vaguely see his face light up. "mommy!" he calls and springs up, sprinting towards a woman. she didnt look old enough to be a mommy... she had messy hair in a bun on the top of her head, glasses, and she wore an old suit like thing like mom does except hers didnt look as nice.

they hug and she smiles at him, warm. my heart beats faster and harder. shes really pretty and.. nice.

he excitedly tells her he found his soulmate....she looks happy. she looks at me and i realize ive been staring. i hear the click of high heels on the floor and it sounds familiar. mom rounds the corner looking mad, she completely ignores him and his mom on the floor and walks up to me. she looks so mad.

"what did you do" shes looking at me with dissapointment. my throat closes. both moms are called in to the office and im scared moms gonna be mad at me. i didnt mean to find him i didnt mean for this to happen. i didt mean to make her miss work.

im sorry

"i like your shoes" he says and i blink out of my daze

"what?"

"i like your shoes" he says again. i stare at his stupid ugly face for a moment before looking down.

he tries a few times to talk but i dont want to. i just wanna go back to class and learn stuff. hang out with my friends then go home. thats all i want today.

when our moms leave the office his comes out first, excited for us hugging him while my mom looks at me annoyed and walks past me without saying anything. is she mad? shes mad right? she?

"hi" i hear a female voice and my eyes widen. i look over to the woman crouching down infront of her son. "whats your name?" she askes. her voice was kind.

"my name?" my voice felt weird and shaky. scared. she nods with a smile "taeyong" it sounds like a question. she smiles wider, the same smile she gives him. one where her eyes crinkle and her mouth spreads across her face and her cheeks puff up.

"taeyong!" she says back to me happily, "its nice to meet you!" i blink at her and feel my heart race. "taeyong this is jaehyun" she motions towards her son, the ugly boy with gross smile. my eyes land on him and his face is red. i just nod and she smiles brighter. "no need to be shy honey" she says.. to me? or to him? because she looks between us now and the ugly jaehyun almost hides against her. as if he wanted to sink into her blazer. 

a teacher comes and tells us we have to go back to class soon. im relieved i can go away from him now but every breath i take theres a weird pull inside me, like im feeling someone elses breathing thats not synced to mine. 

i learn hes in classB with ten, ten tells me all about him at lunch. how nice he is and how funny he is- when hes not shy that is. yet all i can think of is the discomfort meeting his eyes makes me feel and how im stuck with him forever. im made for him.. he owns me right? isnt that what an omega is? i dont think its like the movies right? because... super heros in the movies arent superheros in real life so the romance dramas mommy watches arent reality either. 

no he owns me right? like you hear about in the streets. "control your omega" . so he can...

i meet his eyes from across the playground and feel my heart sink. no. he doesnt own me. he cant have me. i own myself. hell never have me. well never be like the other alpha omega pairings. im different, im not supposed to be omega im supposed to be alpha. maybe hes the omega? maybe my test was wrong- maybe his test was wrong. maybe hes my omega and im just.....

my mind races until ten hits me in the face with a soccer ball and im brought back to reality. for now. 


	3. six years old with a soulmate

im walking up to the gate of the school when i hear my name being called. i can already feel his energy when i stepped out the car but now its more... there. ignoring him i keep walking, maybe even speeding up a tab in order to avoid him.

ever since we found out about eachother hes been following me around the school, at lunch he comes up to me and asks me to eat together- i say no. at recess he asks me to play- i say no. he asks if i wanna walk home with him since he lives near me, i say no. even if id have said yes to the last one i wouldnt be able to anyways, mommys driver always picks me up and..... i guess his mommys working so he walks home. when a small pang of worry hits me at that i swallow it down. i dont have to worry about such a dumb guy, if hes going to be stupid when hes alone itd only make things worse if i were there to get hurt too.

"taeyong!" i try and ignore him still, almost about to sprint for the doors of the school."taeyong!" he catches up to me and stops infront of me. stopping me in my tracks i sigh. why is he so persistent and annoying?

"move" i say and he smiles at me.

"mommy wanted me to give you this" he holds out a paper bag with my name on it in black marker. the handwriting was messy.. he mustve written it. i blink towards the bag.

"what is it?" i asked. hearing my voice not sound so angry, more curious. i dont like the way it came out so i swallow and clear my throat.

"lunch!" too happily.

"lunch?"he nods "why?" he shrugs

"you never have food with you" he says after i grab the bag from his hands. staring inside at the specially made food .. for me. all wrapped up carefully and neatly. like it was made with care.. i never have.. food? mommy always give me lunch money but the food here makes me feel sick usually. why did he notice im not eating? why did only he notice?i blink at it then at him. "i helped make it so-"

"i dont need it" i dont want his generosity. i dont want his -i dont want his hands to carefully help cut and create stuff for me. i dont need his hand outs. i dont need his attention or care. i dont want t. i dont want to eat the food he makes. i hold it back out to him but he doesnt take it back. instead smiling at me from the arms length hes standing away.

just as im about to go off on him i see an orange blob of colour in the corner of my eye, noticinng his moms watching us from the side i feel anxiety shift up my spine. i have to take it. i look back at him and he smiles at me.

"tell her thanks" i say and push past him to enter the school.

this happens the next few weeks, every morning when i feel my feet meet the oavement i already hear my name being called, stupid jaehyun running up to me in broken shoes and a dumb smile holding a paper bag with shitty writing ''taeyong''. and every morning i have to take it because his moms watching us with a slightly concerned glint in her eye and generous hands.

they seem to be poor. his mom always wearing the exact same orange suit jacket with mezzy hair and sslightly broken glasses. his shoes are torn and patched with duct tape, as if hes trying to hide the holes from his mom. his uniforms stained as well, and it looks like an older version than the rest. like its a hand me down.

when i look at him, noticing the difference of our appearance, i feel bad. i have money, i know we do. mommy always has expensive things and our house is big. and he doesnt have.... and yet his mommy is the one giving me food. like......... i dont want to make her give me food.

on a thursday i pack my own lunch. or i pack a paper bag with a chocolate bar and some juice. hoping to show off that i dont want their hand outs. they dont owe me anything... its not like im the only kid who doesnt eat either- wheres their lunches? its only me getting this because of the stupid world deciding were connected.

when i step out of the car it isnt jaehyun waiting for me, rather his mom. i feel my heart beating faster when i see her.

"good morning taeyong!" her voice is cheery and soft like usual. my legs hesitate for a moment. she only has one bag in her hand.

"goodmorning" comes quietly from my throat and her smile spreads.

"sorry its me today, jaegyunie isnt feeling well " she explains briefly, before holding out the bag to me. i blink at her... she came to the school just for me.

"oh... its okay" i say and pause. i squeeze my own bag in my hand which gains her attention. "i have..."

"oh you have lunch today!" her voice doesnt falter in cheeriness. i nod lightly. "can i see it?"  
what. she wants to.  
i shake my head no "why?" she asks. i shrug. she smiles at me like she kows what im hiding. "well.. since its already made" she holds the bag out to me again. "two lunches today" when i take it from her hands i notice the shitty writing. so... he wrote it still. even if hes sick he wrote my name on my bag for me. i wanna roll my eyes.

even after that encounter she still made e a lunch every day. the next day jaehyuns back to running up to me calling my name with a shitty paper bag.  
\--  
today its raining out, it started raining at lunch so we couldnt go outside. its raining so hard that thunders hitting, making the class squeal with weird excitement over the noise. me, however, im trying not to show the fact im nervous. trying to focus on my work and not whimper about the loud banging coming from the sky. the shots of light hitting the classroom and the flickering of electricity through the building. no i dot wanna focus on that. because if the power goes out we'll be in the dark, and if were in the dark then i cant hide the fact im scared because ill be scared about too much.

thankfully the power shut off just a minute before the bell rang, telling us we could go home. i packed up my bag faster than my hands can register and i practically ran outside. mommys drivers waiting for me. i take a deep breath before opening my umberella, walking to the car through the rain before jumping inside and buckling up. just as hes about ready to go i glance out the window and catch jaehyun. hes looking at the sky with a concerned expression before sighing.

he takes a step off into the rain and mommys drivers texting her or something. i can hear him change the thing between the seats and go to drive off.

jaehyuns holding his bag above his head as he runs down the street, our car takes off in the same direction. im watching jaehyun run until we pass him. hes running, hes a little fast too. sorta fast... sorta impressive. he kept up with the car for a few seconds longer than i imagined.

hes probably cold... and.. his homeworks probably wet.. and his shoes are broken.. so his feet..

"wait" i say and the driver doesnt listen. "stop driving" i say and we make eyecontact through the mirror. he sighs and pulls over.

"what is it young master?" he asks. i unbuckle and get on my knees, looking out the back window watching jaehyun run towards us.

"can we drop someone off?" i ask and hear a deep sigh again.

"of course" he says.

when jaehyun gets close enough i open my door. sticking my head out and meeting his eyes, he slides to a stop. eyes wide, hair wet and bag dripping onto his body. hes soaked. i eye him for a moment, feeling disgusting feelings building in my chest seeing him covered in rain and shivering. his eyes are confused and i clench my jaw before i speak.

"get in" i say and his eyes widen even more. he nods lightly and jogs around to the other side of the car, hopping in beside me. he closed the door carefully before were off, telling the driver his adress when asked.

we sit in silence for a second, only his panting filling the air between us. its awkward. awkward and i dont like this but the thoughts of him running in the rain felt worse than this does.

"thank you for stopping" he says and i glance over. hes looking towards his knees before meeting my eyes.

"you looked pathetic running in the rain" i say and he sends me a small smile. nodding.

"yeah" his voice trails and he looks down again. "sorry im wetting the car" i hesitate.

"its fine. " he nods. hes shivering a little and i cant help but keep my eyes on him. hes cold and his shirts soaked. the car is heated but... hes still so cold? hes looking out the window and i dig my hands into my sleeves. am i really gonna-  
i unzip my sweater and throw it at him.  
"wha-"

"just take it" i spit and see his eyes innocent and wide.

he hesitantly pulls the material over his skin and wet shirt, zipping it up to his neck and huddling into himself.  
"thank you"

"youre pathetically shivering what else am i supposed to do. arent you supposed to be a strong alpha?" i can feel his eyes on me now that im looking fowards. "arent you supposed to look after me- not the other way around"

"thank you" he repeats and i roll my eyes.  
we dont live too far from the school, a few streets. its a longer walk than it is car ride. we make it to his house first and he unbuckles with shaky hands. is he really that cold? he meets my eyes again with a kind ugly smile. "thank you again for driving me" before i have a chance to spit back hes thanking the driver before grabbing at the handle and leving the car, holding his bag over his head and running towards his house. hes still in my sweater.

"you shouldnt speak to your alpha like that young master" the driver speaks up as we drive off. i dont say anything back.

\--

wehave to make bracelets. for some reason we have to weave bracelets. and some how i cant do it. it keeps knotting together and the colours i was given dont look good. black green red and yellow. it looks tacky. 

i get frustrated at the third tie i have to restart. having the string thats hanging down, waiting to be used, tie itself together without me noticing. and this time i was almost done. i just had four more rows then i was done. but...i cant do it

"it looks fine taeyong it-" a boy, ten, says beside me but i sigh hard. clenching my jaw and holdig it in my hands, looking at it angrily. 

"its ugly" i say. i only now see how many mistakes i made inside the actual bracelet. how many rows i missed a certain knot and how theres too much of the weird yellow. 

"its fine though, look mines ugky too" he holds his up. red and black and almost perfectly built. i know hes showing me like this to make me feel better but it sort of feels like a punch in the face, rubbing in how much better he is at it than i am.

"yours looks good though" i say and he smiles. 

"really? you think so?'' he got happy, maybe it was a boost in confidence. 

i look back over mine, its so bad. i sigh and get up from my seat, walking across the room to the garbage before i toss it inside. 

"taeyong" the teacher squeals. "what are you doing?"

"i cant do it" i say. she gives me something else to do, i have to write an essay about my experience with the bracelet instead of making it over. she ran out of string anyways. 

the next day i see jaehyun, which isnt abnormal. i see him everyday, i just ignore him. but today something catches my eye- hes walking around with his friend that hangs off his body. the friend thats always smiling at him and holding his hand, making him smile back. the friend i dont like much. but theyre together and i look away, like usual, until he swings his arm and the colours catch my eye. 

hes wearing my bracelet. the one i threw away he- he disgustingly went into the trash and took it out to take. 

at recess i walk over to him, sneaking away from ten and taeil for a second to confront him about it.

"what are you doing?" hes still with his friend. the one who holds his hand and hugs him, the one that makes me feel sick. dongyoung, and his other friend is there too- the one i dont know.

"nothing?" he asks back. i know his friends staring at me, taken aback by my actions. i think hes afraid of me. jaehyuns obliviousness makes me aggitated, why cant you just leave me alone?? i point at his wrist.

"thats not yours" he looks down and some cockyness rests in his demenure.

"you didnt want it" he shrugs and meets my gaze again, very simple and collected stare.

"no. i threw it away, i didnt say you could have it" i say back. he blinks at me innocently and i hate it.

"can i have it?" he asks dumbly.

"no" cold

"why?"i clench my fists.

"because its not for you" i say and he looks back at the bracelet.

"do you want it?"

"no i-"

"then i can have it" he says "finders keepers" i narrow my eyes. he smiles now, he knows i cant do anything but complain and it makes my skin itch with aggitation. hes so annoying.

"fine " i start walking away. "its disgusting you took it from the trashcan" i look at him over my shoulder "but i guess it suits you" i walk away fully now. his look of playfullness died as the words left my mouth but i dont care. maybe now he'll take it off.

he doesnt, though. he keeps it fashioned loosely to his thin wrist, hanging there by the threatds he tied together to finish. my eyes cant keep of it, its an annoying eyesore similar to him, so the both of them together make me want to close my eyes and leave. keep away. he catches me looking every so often but he doesnt say anything or do anything. except hes pulled back from harassing me now. he no longer tries to get my attention or talk to me as much. hes keeping a distance and i should be happy about it.


	4. 10

it hits me sometimes, mostly in the middle of the night.

it feels like somewhere deep inside my chest was carved out with an icecream scooper. it feels empty and missing.. longing. and i hate that i know what its for. and i hate how familiar this feeling is.

keeping me awake many nights before and probably for the rest of my life. the suppressants are supposed to help it, supposed to mask some of it but they dont. which just makes it feel worse, the fact that they arent even working the way they promised and yet i still have to take them or else ill get my heat. i couldve waited to start them after all.  
mommy told me i should wait til im 12 to start them, yet the feelings were so strong i kept begging her to take me now. they said they usually dont perscribe to ten year olds but since im in so much distress (meaning mommy paid them enough) theyll give me some.

tonight is a night like that, a night where im woken up with a tugging at my chest which makes me feel empty, longing to be filled. it used to make me cry with how much it hurt. its not painful the same way falling over or getting hit is, its a deep deep tugging at your heart. but when i was younger i didnt know how to tell the difference, so id cry at the pain in my chest.

now i just lie here, blinking over the edge of my bed. wishing i didnt have to go though this. i dont want this feeling, i dont want a soulmate.  
i can feel sadness building in my stomach and i try and block it out, knowing its not exactly my sadness.

ive gotten better and differentiating against whos emotions are whos. his always leave a certain taste in the back of my throat, and if i cant tell even then i usually ask myself "am i sad? why would i be sad? what would i be sad about?" and if i cant answer then i assume theyre his. another factor is that hit always hit me in my stomach, tugging at me, while normal emotions; my own; are in my chest. but even that blurs sometimes.point is im getting better at it though.

sometimes his are muffled with his guard but sometimes theyre loud and prominent, almost like hes reaching out to me seeing if ill reach back. which i never do. i never have.

even tonight when i start feeling the sadness.. or no not sadness.. uneasyness.. tugging at the insides of my stomach at full volume ; i dont reach back. i dont. instead i feel over the golden threads over my bedsheets, imagining them there, picking them up and pretending to cut them with my fingers. hoping that someday itd work.  
when the uneasiness doesnt subside i roll over, holding my stomach with my fists and pushing against it.

go away.

go away i dont want you

i dont want these emotions.

i dont wanna feel what you do

go away.

eventually the pain stopped, assuming he fell asleep but the ache in my chest is still there. thats my own bodys fault, desperate to seek him out and be filled. connect with him. but i dont allow it. its a constant battle between mind and body.

this happens all weekend though, the feeling he sends me. the uneasy feeling filling out with depression and sadness. his every waking hour forcing these feelings down my throat. i think to call him once.. or twice. but i dont do it.

the next day at school i feel exhausted, only having fallen back asleep two hours before i had to wake up. even then as soon as i woke up the insides of my stomach were uneasy again. anxiety and sadness filling me out.

when my eyes land on him in the hallway i get hit with confusion. he looks tired, way more tired than i. his hair is messy and his uniform is wrinkled more than usual, one shoe untied as he walks like a zombie down the hall. completely zoned out of his surroundings.

i only get to see him again at lunch. he looks even worse and some anxiety spurs up in my chest. stupid connection making me give a shit about him.  
as hes going to enter the lunchroom accompanied my doyong i grab his elbow. his body tenses at the electricity and he looks at me,eyes filled with shock and surprise. sadness making their way underneath it all. hes fucked isnt he?

"can i talk to you?" i asked. he nodded.

i brought him to a corner of the school noone ever goes to. underneath a staircase that would be unoccupied because its lunch. when i stop walking i feel his anxiety in my stomach before i turn to face him.

"whats wrong?" i asked in my usual flat voice towards him. he blinks curiously.

"what do you mean?" i put my hand over my abdomen and his eyes follow the motion.

"i can feel it" he blinks at my hand then meets my eyes again.

"oh..." his voice trails "im sorry ill try and block it" he says and i furrow my brows. his eyes look a little wetter..

"jaehyun are you okay?" i ask and he blinks his tears back. nodding and looking away from my eyes.

"im fine dont worry" he sends me the saddest smile ive ever seen and my heart drops. he blinks towards me again.. i think he felt it.

"you dont have to lie" my fingers are twisting in my sleeves and hes wide eyes blinking at me. a little butterfly making itself present in my gut from him. hes quiet for a moment before he pulls his lips in a thin line, as if contemplating speech.

"my grandmas sick" he said after another long pause. "shes gonna die" his eyes are glassy again.

i dont know how he feels from personal experience. my grandparents all died before i was born.. i think.. and i dot know anyone whos sick enough to die soon. but i did have a dig once and she died. so maybe its like that. well its probably different but aybe its similar enough.

"im sorry" i say and his eyebrows raise in surprise. as if the sympathetic words coming from me was something new. oh wait.

he blinks and swallows, chin wobbling and he looks away towards the window.

"yeah" soft. "thats life though" he tries to play it off like hes okay with it, but hes not. hes trying not to breakdown right here. hands fidgeting restlessly with his bracelet. the one i threw away and that he seemed to have kept for the past few years...

i grab his hand, unable to keep myself from reaching out. i cant watch his hands itch to find comfort anymore. his head snaps back to me quickly and a tear hes been holding back rolls down his cheek. i can feel it all inside my stomach, it went muffled for a few moments but it always breaks back. he cant block it.

"its gonna be okay" i say and feel my face heat up "shes not gonna hurt anymore" he nods. lip trembling, i subconciously squeeze his hand. were quiet for a while, hes looking at our hands, which hes holding back now.

hes trying to block his feelings from hitting me but he doesnt know how to build a stable wall, and asking him to do that now, to accomidate me in his time of pain is too cruel.

"you dont have to block ..." i say and feel his hand twitch at my words "dont worry"

"thank you" is quiet. i nod and watch a few tears fall from his eyes.

i opened my mouth to speak again but.. what can i say?

"i-" his eyes meet mine and my words, whatever they were, catch in my throat. he wipes his eyes with his sleeve on the hand not connected to mine and takes a deep breath through his nose. some of the pressure in my stomach subsided, not because hes blocking but because he feels a little better.

"we should go join the others before they steal our lunches" he jokes, smiling at me his real smile. i feel my ears burn red and i nod, looking away from him for a second.

we start heading towards where most of the students eat when i feel him squeeze my hand, i pull it away and stare down. he doesnt get hurt by this action, i think he actually smiles. maybe he squeezed my hand to remind me that they were still connected or something.

"where were you guys?" taeil asks

"making out?" ten jokes and i sit down. although jaehyun was joking about them eating our food i notice a few bites taken from my sandwhich.

it still hurt at night especially, when hes alone im assuming, hes saddest. laying on my back and feeling the weight of his sadness over his grandma i sigh.  
she died a few days ago, she died in her sleep. she was quite old anyways but i dont think it matters to jaehyun. hes still upset.

i reach out towards the strings and contemplate tugging at them lightky to let him know i hear him. but what would that do? and wouldnt that just cause more trouble for me anyways?

i opt into grabbing my phone and staring at his name in my contact list for an hour.

"hello?" i hear him clear his throat

"you good?" i ask and feel his breath shake

"yeah sorry " he swallows "im trying to block it so you dont have to feel it im sorry i-"

"its fine" i cut him off and were silent for a few seconds "you miss her alot"

"yeah" he laughs a sad laugh.

"shes okay now.. though" i start "just try and think that shes not in pain anymore. so you should try and be happy she can finally rest" i hear him shift, probably rolling over in bed.

the pain in my stomach fading a little.

"yeah" soft. i close my eyes. "youre right" silence for a while, im counting heartbeats til he speaks again.

seven

"are you worried about me?" he asked and my brows furrowed

"what why?"

"i can feel.. something" i feel my face blush a little. maybe i am worrying about him? why else would i call him.

"well..." i start "i can feel how much it hurts so.. i mean.. thats reason to worry isnt it?" i ask

"i guess" his voice is soft and small. i can feel my heart hammering in my chest. "i think im okay. ill be okay"

"youll be okay" i assure and i can hear his stupid smile

"yes" he says "thanks to you" i feel my face flush "the world moves on i guess" he sighs

"mhm" i dont know what to say. i can feel him smile wider, blinking at his cieling probably similarly to me.

"youre weird" he laughs a little, i havent heard him laugh in a little bit.

"what do you mean im weird?" i ask, ready to get mad

"youre shy" he says and i still feel lost. obviously im not shy if i- " underneath the death glares youre cute" he says and i feel my heart speed

"im not shy" comes out a little small and he laughs again. he called me cute and my stomach dropped with butterflies of my own. i roll my eyes at my bodys reactions to him. "and im not cute. just because im not telling you to fuck off right now doesnt mean i-"

"okay" hes smiling. i know hes smiling. silence for a while "thank you for calling" my face burns. i dont respond. i want to say 'i wouldnt have called if you knew how to keep your shit to yourself' out of habit of being mean to him. but i cant say that now. i feel my heart skip a few times.

"yeah" i settle on. simple.

"goodnight taeyong"

"yeah" i repeat and hear his smile spread. butterflies are blooming inside his ribs and i hate the feeling. i hang up fast and toss my phone to the side.

the next day i dont have nearly as bad of an ache in my stomach. when our eyes meet at school he has some life back in them. he laughs at lunchtime,properly laughs.

 


End file.
